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Showing posts from 2016

Emotions taking me over...

Hi all, Over the last two weeks I have been through a whole range of emotions. From fear, doubt, anxiety, a pseudo feeling of calm, back to more anxiety, stress, having a breakdown, more stress and finally happiness. Let me put this all into perspective... As you may know I am doing a PhD, and as part of that I have to complete a viva, which is an exam where you are judged on your work and have to defend the decisions you have made. I knew that the date was approaching and decided two weeks before to start preparation. I went through all my work and found that I had a lot to catch up on, re-read and memorise. It was overwhelming to say the least. I started by making a presentation of my work and when doing this I realised that I had lost the fundamental principles of my work. I needed to revise and revise hard. Thats when the stress started to kick in. I was fine for a few days but as the date approached I was getting even more stressed. I couldn't shake the feeling that I wou

A more serious post...

Hi all, Since I started this blog I have told you about my life so far after coming out to my friends. But I have not told you all about how I came to the decision that I was comfortable with being gay and how this has tied in with me being Muslim. I realise that these two do not go hand in hand. In fact no major religion has accepting views on homosexuality. From a biological standpoint I understand this. If everyone was gay then life as we know it would cease to exist. Try as hard as you may two guys cannot reproduce with one another. This lead me to read more about my religion and understand the scriptures that are written in the Quran regarding homosexuality. My hope from this research was to find a way to reconcile the two aspects of my life that were conflicting. The Quran relays a story about the people of Sodom and Gomorra. Those that are familiar with Christianity and Judaism will also know of this story. It tells of a place where men were having sex with other men and sh

I still get...

Jealous. Well jealousy in general. Its a beast that needs to be tamed sometimes. Feeling jealous of someone because you feel they are better than you isn't a good feeling to have. I try to forego this emotion, but jealousy always rears its ugly head. Let me set the scene. Me and my friend V are at the club. A gay club to be precise. Since coming out to V he has taken it upon himself to induct me into the gay world, promising me tips and tricks to pull. So far I have realised that he has the same insecurities as me and the same hang ups so there isn't much learning going on. Anyway, V is good looking. He is tall, slim and tattoo'ed. Guys seem to like this. Every time we are out together he will get hit on. Now initially this didn't bother me. Like I have said in previous posts everyone has a type and people that they find attractive. So i just stand there whilst he dismisses these guys as he is in a relationship. But it gets me thinking. Why doesn't anyone ever

There will be nothing left for no-one

Hi all, I recently came back from a holiday with who I thought was the man of my dreams. But sadly this dream never came into reality... Let me start with some back story. I met this guy on tinder (I know so modern right?). We instantly clicked, even though he lived in the grand ol' USA (which might not be so grand now given recent political news). We chatted everyday and things were going well. We called each other Love and it felt like we were starting a relationship. Anyway back in April he came to London for a week and we had the best time. We got to know each other in person and did some amazing things. I did a staycation, which I would totally recommend to anyone as I had never really taken time out to explore London a lot. We left on good terms. Some time passed and he decided he wanted to come back to Europe but for us to go somewhere together. We settled on the French riviera, which was the best choice for weather, exploring and relaxing. So the time for the holiday

What do you do when everything is broken?

Hi all, I am back from holiday. Its a little sad but I'm so happy to be back in London! Well I was for the first few days. What I realised is I love London, but I have come back to reality. Back to my regular life, and that's the bit that has be feeling down. I need something to change in my life and I need it soon. For those of you that do not know I am a gay muslim who is not out. Not being out has its advantages from a family perspective, as I will most likely be outcasted if I do come out, but it has a lot of disadvantages also. Those being mainly the constant pressure from parents to get married and not being able to be myself. I'm tired of this now. I want to be me. I want to be able to be myself and not have to constantly hide who I am. Even friends who do not know, I would like to be open with them too. Finally allow myself to stop being in the shadows and see light. So I have decided that I want the next 12 months to be a defining period of my life. I know i

Where have all the good men gone?

Hi all, I'm on holiday at the moment! It's been so much fun, done a lot of trekking and seeing natural beauty all around me. It's been nice just taking a step back from the fast paced world of city life and going back to basics. Unfortunately though this means that there aren't many guys around if you want to lay pipe ;). Case in point, I downloaded Grindr (I'm on holiday so don't judge). I found a few guys near me, no one really peaking interest until I got to the third row and found a guy that ticks all the right boxes. Tall, handsome (but not too handsome), nice smile... He was great. His profile was funny too (humour always wins), BUT he was 120 miles away! I thought I was seeing things but it was true. I know I am in the middle of a small town but didn't think pickings would be this slim! I looked back through the first couple of people and realised that other than me there were only 3 other gays in the village. It could have been the time of day,

Pressure pushing down on me

Hi all, If you come from an Asian family you will know that once you hit a certain age your family (mainly parents - but also aunts and uncles) will lay down the pressure for you to get married. Its very common, and often they will have someone that they want you to meet and see what happens etc. If your parents are liberal to an extent they will ask if you have someone and the families will meet etc. At any rate in most terms arranged marriages aren't what they used to be where you meet your future life partner on your wedding day! Usually I can get away from this pressure as I am doing a PhD, and don't yet have a full time job, so I use these as excuses to stop them asking too many questions and laying down the pressure for marriage. However, I am due to finish soon and the pressure is starting all over again. The past weekend also didn't help. I went to my cousins wedding. Now most weddings I have managed to get out of as I work on weekends, but these are for family

I got 99 problems but...

STD's aint one! Hi all, For anyone who is sexually active I cannot stress the importance of getting tested regularly. You never know what someone has lurking in their nether regions and could potentially pass on to you. Whether you're a one night stand kind of person, or in a committed long term relationship, get yourselves tested every three months to make sure your healthy. I decided it was time for my first test. I had been sexually active for about a year, had been with around 6 guys and decided it was time. Also I was going to have a special holiday week with a guy and wanted to make sure I was clean (and so was he). Being in London there are a lot of clinics you can go to for tests. I decided I didn't want to just 'drop in' to a clinic and have to wait forever to see someone, so I decided to go to  a clinic at a hospital that allowed you to make appointments. They ran a special gay mens clinic one night a week which sounded perfect. I booked an appointm

When you come around it reads 'no entry'

Hi all, Types. There are many types that people go for. Some like daddies, others like twinks and some like being in sub/dom relationships etc. We all have a type that we like. For me its the bear-y, daddyish, normal type (not to be confused with the normal type in Pokemon). I like guys with body hair, its sexy to me. You may disagree but thats ok, its my type and not necessarily yours. Sometimes though my type can betray me. Someone could fit the bill on paper, but in reality they don't meet expectation. One of those times happened a few days ago. I was on Grindr (the holy grail of desperation) and some guy messaged me. He didn't have a profile pic (I usually don't respond but something made me reply). He actually bothered to fill out the stats screen (which annoys me when people don't even put down basic details) but omitted his age. Anyway after a few messages back and forth he asks me out for dinner. This was surprising as asking someone out for a date doesn

Hold back the river

Hi all, I wanted to share with you a relatively funny story about my first douching experience (sorry for the faint hearted - if this applies to you look away now). With my new beginnings into the gay sex world I was keen to experience everything I could. Boys gone wild sort of situation lol. So I really wanted to try bottoming. But I realised this would involve a lot of preparation - you can't just wipe and be ready. I decided to do some research. I found several blogs and sites that talked through the art of douching. I was aware of douching as I have a medical related background, but had not realised the intricacies of it until I read these articles. It seemed very technical but I was determined to get through it and have a squeaky clean hole afterwards. I bought an enema bulb and decided to try it out on a day I would be home ALONE! This was not an experience I wanted to share with the family. So anyway I found myself alone and decided to get to work. Initially it was di

Lets get it on in public

Hi all, Recently on the local news there was an incident regarding a gay couple who were informed by security in a grocery store that their hand holding had caused offence to another shopper. Sadly this sort of thing is still happening in 2016! Even more sad that its incidents like this that force gay people to be reclusive with one another in public displays of affection. Personally I don't like public displays of affection, be it homo or heterosexual. I find that affection is something that should be done privately. That being said I consider public displays of affection to be passionate french kissing and beyond. Hand holding, arm linking and hugs are not public displays of affection in my mind. They so that you care for the other person, and want to feel close with them. I don't feel acts like this should be thought of as offensive. I wouldn't mind if a hetero couple were doing any of these, so people shouldn't be offended by a gay couple doing them either. O

So come on let it go, just let it be

Hi all, So as some of you may know from my previous posts I am not fully out. I have told a select few people. But to others I just don't bring up the subject of my sexuality or discuss it to any great length. It's not that I am ashamed, it's just that I am a private person and have never really discussed my personal life (unless I need to vent - and even then I am selective about the information I give out). To say I have been burned in the past would be correct. I gave secretive information to a certain someone and they leaked it to everyone I knew at the time. So that has made me cautious. That isn't to say I don't know who I can trust. But there is one person in particular who I know I cannot trust. Lets call her GG (Gossip Girl). GG is the type of person who wants to know everyones business, but will never share anything personal about her. The information you get is very superficial and typically about her many 'friends' (she instantly thinks that

It's going down, I'm yelling...

Tinder! Hi all, Being a busy person like I am it is often really hard to meet people. I mean I have my commute to and from the office, and as much as I want to be the subject of a rush hour crush, it's not happening. Well at least not to me anyway. I don't go out a lot (due to restrictions with living with parents) so meeting people when out and about is going to take a long time. So the next best (begrudgingly) thing is using the apps. Now as gay people we have a lot of apps to choose from. You have the famous ones like Grindr (search Grindr fails on Google to see why this is getting to be a sleazy app) and the not so famous ones like Lavendr. I can honestly say I have not tried them all (thankfully). I have tried niche ones like Growlr (fitting as I am hairy) and found them to be initially better, but the sleaze shines through thick and fast. Then something amazing happened. The uprise of Tinder. It was quickly becoming THE app to have for dating. The popularity in my

No No It's Automatic

Hi all, 'Hey how are you?' Seems like a simple message right? In most cases it's used to connect with someone you haven't spoken to in a while, or find out an update on a person. But there is another use for this phrase and it comes on the very special app this is Grindr. Usually from an account that is offline. The guy is typically 2'4" tall (although the picture makes them look taller). Usually a muscled boy next door type that is shown to make you think you have been contacted by the dreamiest of all guys. But in fact its a bot! You quickly learn that these occur when you haven't used the app in a while and its been dormant on your device. Maybe its the Grindr team forcing you to open the app by showing you a notification. Maybe they sell your usernames to generate more business? Who knows? But what I know is if you engage in conversation you can get some pretty funny results. So that's what I did. I replied 'I am fine, how are you?' T

Hey, Hi, Hello, Yo, Wassup, My oh me, Oh boy, What's word? Could I call ya?

Hi all, I wanted to talk about something that is affecting me right now. That is continual persistence of a person messaging me who desperately wants to meet. But first a little backstory. I met this guy on Grindr and we started to talk. He is older but looks good for his age. He said he liked younger, darker, hairier boys and so I was definitely what he was looking for. We chatted for a bit before we exchanged numbers. This is something I kind of regret. You know you get that feeling when you find someone you have an attraction to and you want to see how things progress. Well this feeling failed me this time in ways I have not experienced before. To say this guy is persistent is an understatement. He quickly started to message me that he was super excited that we will be meeting up and wanted to desperately see me. I played it cool, thinking this is a little full on for someone you have barely spent a few hours talking to. Red flags started to appear but I took it down as hormone

I'm Coming Out (I want the world to know)... Well at least a few people

Hi all, I wanted to share with you my coming out story. As a bit of background about myself I am a Londoner born and raised, in my late 20's and of South Asian descent. Oh and I am also Muslim. The South Asian part and the Muslim part are the reasons why I came out so late in life. It's not the done thing in my culture and religion. For a long time I struggled with my identity, trying to reconcile my religion and sexuality. Also trying to figure out how being gay in a culture that opposes gay people so much would impact my life. The first step towards me coming out to people was to come out to myself. I spent years trying to suppress my inner feelings and not focussing on my sexuality. So this was hard for me, to let my guard down even to myself and finally admit that I was gay. I was basically in denial until this point, and it was only when I looked in the mirror and uttered the words to myself that I finally accepted it. As for reconciling my faith and sexuality... well

Gotta Catch Em All... Pokemon!

Hi all, Unless you've been living under a rock for the last month you might have seen the world become obsessed with Pokemon Go! (I'm a fan and love it!). Literally the world has gone Poke crazy, with news stories everyday about people causing mobs to try and get that oh so coveted Dragonite or elusive Gyarados. There have even been stories about how it has become the new Grindr (people have been updating their profiles with their team affiliation and asking people out on Pokewalks). You go looking for a Likitung before getting a... ;). That being said there are people out there who don't get the obsession. People who have forgotten the joy of being a child and trying to collect all the Pokemon you can. One of those people is V. He started off a believer and fan, but after changing phone (meaning he lost his progress) he has started to turn on it. He sees it as 'a waste of time.' I pointed out that the whole premise of a game is to 'waste time.' You pla

Don't do it, please don't do it

Hi all, As you may be aware Thursdays are the new Friday, which means you turn down earlier in the week. After finishing a long day in the office my friend V decided we should go to Soho for some drinks (soft drinks for me please). We decided to walk over as the weather yesterday was pretty ok. Anyway we get to a famous bar and decide to go in. Its still early but we know it will get busier soon. We order our drinks (I got Red Bull with a lime wedge inside - makes it kind of looks like a vodka Red Bull but innocent ;) - and V decided it was double day - something he regretted today lol). We make our way outside to the terrace so V can smoke. Its pretty dead, but one guy caught our attention... and not in a good way. He was a young guy (we were guessing early 20's) dressed in fluorescent green shorts, a white tee and a fluorescent green hat. It was certainly an eye catching look. he was moving around the terrace and settled on a corner with a window ledge nearby. He left after

Let talk about sex baby

Hi all, I wanted to share my story about my first time. I was 26 (I know quite late - I was starting to think I was going to be the 40 year old virgin). He was a guy I met off Growlr (an app for bears - what is with all these animal names?). He was sweet, kind and lots of fun in our chats. We arranged to meet at his local station. Now normally I would be quite wary of this sort of situation, and I totally feel that anyone should be, but he seemed nice (and I am quite capable so felt safe). Plus it was a public space which is ALWAYS the best place to meet. He was running late, but that was ok. When he turned up I was relieved that he looked like his picture on his profile (something that hasn't always been the case - more on that later). I was surprised that I wasn't nervous, but like I said he made me feel calm as he was genuinely a lovely guy. We made it to his flat and settled on the sofa to watch a movie. It was nice to just sit close to someone and be held. That quickl

A quiet word is my proposition

Hi all, I wanted to share with you a story about a time I was propositioned for sex by a total stranger whilst on holiday in NYC. This happened about a year before I came out to myself, so was at a point in my life where I was still a little confused. Let me set the scene, I was over there as my sister had moved offices for a few months (can anyone say free accommodation? lol) so literally stayed for 2 weeks. I pretty much walked the entirety of Manhattan, which was fun, but also annoying as their blocks are too close together (not like London where you can walk un-interrupted by roads for a while). Anyway I decided to go to the natural history museum (fun tip - you don't have to pay, its a suggested donation, but they make it out like you have to in order to get tourists like me to pay up). I paid... (In my defence I found out after). Anyway, as I was walking around, taking pictures and being a proper tourist I noticed an old man looking at me. Initially I didn't take a

First of all.... Introduction

Hi all, My name is A (not my real name, but the nature of this blog will require me to be a bit mysterious, and what is life without a little mystery?). I am a guy trying to figure out life, currently in the last year of my 20's (I don't feel old lol) with a lot of decisions to make in the near future. Lets get this out of the way first... I am Muslim and I am GAY. Whilst these don't go hand in hand (I am trying to figure out a way I can reconcile both) it is who I am, and I don't want that to change. I realise this blog can incite a lot of hate, especially as I am breaking a cardinal sin of Islam by being GAY, but I want to write this to help others who may have gone through the same struggles I am going through now. Also to share my stories and maybe hear some of yours. My story starts a few years ago, when I finally accepted the fact I was gay. I had known for a long time (since I was 9) but decided to not focus on that. I went to uni and even then was struggl