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What do you do when everything is broken?

Hi all,

I am back from holiday. Its a little sad but I'm so happy to be back in London! Well I was for the first few days. What I realised is I love London, but I have come back to reality. Back to my regular life, and that's the bit that has be feeling down. I need something to change in my life and I need it soon.

For those of you that do not know I am a gay muslim who is not out. Not being out has its advantages from a family perspective, as I will most likely be outcasted if I do come out, but it has a lot of disadvantages also. Those being mainly the constant pressure from parents to get married and not being able to be myself. I'm tired of this now. I want to be me. I want to be able to be myself and not have to constantly hide who I am. Even friends who do not know, I would like to be open with them too. Finally allow myself to stop being in the shadows and see light.

So I have decided that I want the next 12 months to be a defining period of my life. I know if I want my life to change, I have to be the one to enforce it. Right now I feel broken. Like a shell of the person I once was and not yet the person I want to be. So my list for the next 12 months of things I have to do are:

  1. Move out - This is a big one. I can't be (at almost 30 years old) still living with my parents. I need freedom. I shouldn't have to check in with people at all times to be allowed to go out etc. Not that my parents keep me locked at home, but generally its tough to stay out late as it was never done by my siblings (guess I have them to thank). Mainly my mum who is tough to deal with so its easier to make her happy, and that means being at home most of the time.
  2. Come out - Another big one. I haven't decided yet if I will do this before I move out. In a way it would be easier to move out first, but I feel coming out would be a great reason to leave (as most probably I will be kicked out anyway). I have decided that before December I will tell my sister first. This HAS to be done. She is likely the only person who will understand the pressures as she has mainly most of the same pressures I do. I will test the waters with her and see from there (definitely will let you all know in a future post - wish me luck).
  3. Kickstart a new career - I am happy with my career, I can easily take a full time position, but I want a bit more excitement in my life and try something new. I am applying (more good luck needed) and hopefully will make something happen within the next year regarding this.
  4. Have my first relationship - This would be ideal. I really want to have a boyfriend. Someone I can confide in (I don't show my emotions a lot, but would like to open up more to people), someone I can be silly with and someone who gets me. Also I love cuddling and thats a two person job really. I know for this to happen I need to grow in confidence. I put myself down a lot and I need to stop doing that. I am great (well I would like to think I am at least), hopefully I will find someone great too (watch this space).

I feel these four things will really change my direction and allow me to gain more happiness. They may not all happen (number 4 I'm looking at you here) but I will really try my best to get them achieved. I'm not going to lie and say any of these things are easy, but right now with the way I feel I don't care anymore. I have stood in the way of myself for too long. It's time to LIVE! Not just survive.

Here's to the new me.

A
x

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