Skip to main content

Once I was 7 years old...

Hi All,

Today has been a weird day for me. It started off as a normal Sunday, but throughout the morning I felt apathetic and in one of those 'I can't be bothered with today' moods. It went with me to work and I couldn't shake it off. I still did my Sunday jobs and all in all I was fine, but every customer that annoyed me in the slightest I felt like shouting at for wasting my time. I didn't, but wanted to for some reason. I don't usually feel like that, but today was a 'don't fuck with me' day.

I shrugged it off and continued with work, quieter than usual, but I survived. At lunch however I got to know a bit more as to why I was feeling like this. The Lukas Graham song was playing, and that got me thinking about my first reaction when I heard the song. My first reaction was sadness. Here you have a guy talking about relationships he has forged, or will forge in the future, and how he hopes and dreams to always have people around him that will love and support him. It's a dream that many people have, including me. But it dawned on me that I may never have that. As you all know I am a gay muslim, this causes a lot of issues when thinking about relationships. If I eventually find a boyfriend and want to get married I will lose my family. If I stay single, I will retain my family but be forever alone. The verse in the song that really hits home is when he talks about being 60 years old and wishing his kids to come visit him. If I stay forever alone, I wouldn't have that. I would just be alone. That is heartbreaking and saddening. My first reaction to this verse was tears, as it made me think of the worse possible future. My reaction today wasn't tears, but also wasn't happy either.

Recently I have been on dates and they have been really nice guys, but they haven't worked out. I will continue to date, but it gets soul destroying when you get your hopes up and then have them taken away after just one date. Yes this means I am a one date wonder, and haven't gotten past that. My fear is that I will never get to a second date. While I know that dating takes time and meeting the right person won't be easy, I also feel that at 30 years old I should have had a relationship by now. Which goes back to the song where it is expected of you to make friends, get married and have kids. This is a very structured way that society functions and lives. I remind myself that every story is different, every path is different and ultimately my life shouldn't be measured against someone else. But days like today, where I feel a little saddened by my single status, mean that I will compare and try to figure out why it hasn't happened for me yet.

I don't know if it ever will. I will keep trying for as long as I have hope that it will work out. One thing is for certain though I will always wish for other people to be happy, as I believe one day someone will wish for my happiness. Maybe then I will find the one and truly know what it is to be in love.

Here's hoping that it comes around sooner rather than later.

A
x

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Welcome to my house

Hi All, I got the best news this week! I’m going to be a home (flat) owner!!!! For those that know me and my story you will know that this is a big deal. It means I can finally move out of my parents place and start living life the way I want to, and in pride month no less. What better opportunity could I ask for? It means that I can live with the love of my life, and do all the cute and fun couple-y things that we were always meant to do.  It means I can just be me. That’s the main point really. No more hiding who I am, no more having to answer to others. Free to be who I want, go where I want, come back to the flat whoever I want. It’s not like I’m in a jail sentence at home, but the comments made on how late I come back home do take their toll. I’m the type of person who wants it to be easy, don’t cause too much of a fuss and that way no fights or arguments happen. I mean I am human and I will provoke sometimes, but for the most part I’m easy going and want things to be

This is the end

Hi All, I hope you have all been well, and that these troubled times of COVID are getting better in your respective countries. Thankfully with the vaccines out things will eventually get better and somewhat back to normal. I hope everyone is staying strong during these times too, as they are tough and have really tested humanity to almost breaking point. I realise it has been a long time since my last post. I mentioned a few posts ago that I have run out of things to say about my journey. I have a wonderful partner, a lovely home with him and a nice balance with my family who I can keep my secret life a secret from. So things are going well. This is something the 'me' of a few years ago would have never imagined. I remember a time when I was doubtful I would ever be this happy and in a long term relationship. But I persevered and am better for it now. Even during a pandemic and lockdown(s) I have remained happy, and thankful that I could still work.  I guess one of the reasons

Out

Hi all, Hope everyone is keeping safe from the pandemic and that the pressures are starting to ease off a little in terms of lockdown. It has definitely been a strange year, and it will continue to be for a little while longer. I honestly feel we should write off 2020 and forget it ever happened. Despite all the tragedies and despair there have been nice things to come from it. People are being friendlier towards each other and helping neighbours. They are innovating in times of need and helping out in any way that they can. It will be tough to move forward, and the effects of the lockdown will last for a generation, but we will endure. My post is about a little gem that I found on Disney+ called Out. It's a short animation about a closeted gay man who is struggling to tell his parents about his boyfriend, and the reason he is moving because of it. This is a first for Disney, as they have never really showed an out and proud gay character in anything before. They have alluded