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Once I was 7 years old...

Hi All,

Today has been a weird day for me. It started off as a normal Sunday, but throughout the morning I felt apathetic and in one of those 'I can't be bothered with today' moods. It went with me to work and I couldn't shake it off. I still did my Sunday jobs and all in all I was fine, but every customer that annoyed me in the slightest I felt like shouting at for wasting my time. I didn't, but wanted to for some reason. I don't usually feel like that, but today was a 'don't fuck with me' day.

I shrugged it off and continued with work, quieter than usual, but I survived. At lunch however I got to know a bit more as to why I was feeling like this. The Lukas Graham song was playing, and that got me thinking about my first reaction when I heard the song. My first reaction was sadness. Here you have a guy talking about relationships he has forged, or will forge in the future, and how he hopes and dreams to always have people around him that will love and support him. It's a dream that many people have, including me. But it dawned on me that I may never have that. As you all know I am a gay muslim, this causes a lot of issues when thinking about relationships. If I eventually find a boyfriend and want to get married I will lose my family. If I stay single, I will retain my family but be forever alone. The verse in the song that really hits home is when he talks about being 60 years old and wishing his kids to come visit him. If I stay forever alone, I wouldn't have that. I would just be alone. That is heartbreaking and saddening. My first reaction to this verse was tears, as it made me think of the worse possible future. My reaction today wasn't tears, but also wasn't happy either.

Recently I have been on dates and they have been really nice guys, but they haven't worked out. I will continue to date, but it gets soul destroying when you get your hopes up and then have them taken away after just one date. Yes this means I am a one date wonder, and haven't gotten past that. My fear is that I will never get to a second date. While I know that dating takes time and meeting the right person won't be easy, I also feel that at 30 years old I should have had a relationship by now. Which goes back to the song where it is expected of you to make friends, get married and have kids. This is a very structured way that society functions and lives. I remind myself that every story is different, every path is different and ultimately my life shouldn't be measured against someone else. But days like today, where I feel a little saddened by my single status, mean that I will compare and try to figure out why it hasn't happened for me yet.

I don't know if it ever will. I will keep trying for as long as I have hope that it will work out. One thing is for certain though I will always wish for other people to be happy, as I believe one day someone will wish for my happiness. Maybe then I will find the one and truly know what it is to be in love.

Here's hoping that it comes around sooner rather than later.

A
x

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