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I got new rules

Hi All,

It's been a hectic few weeks for me. SO much has happened and its been exciting, scary, more excitement, nervous and wonderful at times too. I have had a wedding, a cousin taken ill suddenly, a colleague having to take a serious leave from work and something else.. It's escaping me.. What have I forgotten? Oh that's right... I'VE MET THE MOST AMAZING GUY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't even express into words how he makes me feel! I'm so giddy, excited and smile so much these days. We have met up a few times and its been simply blissful. He is intelligent, witty, caring, beautiful in all senses of the word and has the most mesmerising eyes I have ever seen. He also knows of this blog and may be reading this now, so if you are the here's a kiss from me to you (xxx). Oh yeah, he has read the blog, well some of it anyway, and so far he doesn't seem deterred (I will continue writing now pretending you aren't reading just so it's easier x). Every time I see him I get so excited. Just to be near him and spend time with him is amazing! I won't go into too many details as I respect what we have too much to write on this blog about it (for all of you thinking I have mentioned people before, they were not as serious as what this could potentially be so I didn't mind writing about them). But, what I can say is that I have never been this happy before and I love this feeling.

So what has changed? Well as people who follow this blog know, I am quite unlucky in love. I have met people and been on dates but they don't last more than one, and only recently have I been lucky enough for a second date. In terms of who I am I haven't changed much about myself. I am still the quirky, dorky and geeky guy I am, but now I own it. I have more appreciation for myself everyday. That isn't to say I don't still go down my familiar defence mechanism of putting myself down, but I try to suppress that as much as possible. I tend to let my sassier side come out a bit more, but only to make someone laugh or perform justice to those who have been wronged, including myself. I have re-trained what I have thought of myself and given myself a whole new set of rules to follow.

Before meeting this amazing guy I would have never been so open with myself in public. But I find that is changing and am transfixed in this whole 'I don't give a f*** attitude' that I have seemed to adopt. I mean I am still socially aware of myself, but feel I no longer have to keep apologising for who I am. That has taken a long time to finally get to. I have found after accepting my sexuality I went on a journey of self exploration. It's cliche but it really did feel like my life had just started and I had to re-learn everything I thought I knew. As Erykah Badu once put it 'a man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all,' which loosely translates to the fact that we always learn and can change how we feel or think about something quickly. Well to me anyway, that lyric is open to many different types of interpretation. I find myself wanting a change as well. I became so stagnant in who I thought I was, or was supposed to be in terms of hiding who I am, that I forgot that being true to myself meant embracing exactly who I am. So now I'm excited all over again as I get to be me, and do the things that I want to do without having the need to apologise for it. I want to dye my hair (grey seems like a classy choice), try new things, make time for relationships and give up this whole work-a-holic attitude I have (within reason, I will still work to sustain a more adventurous life).

As some of you may know my whole year of change will be drawling to a close within the next few months. Although I'm not going to force myself to have to stick to it if the timings aren't right, I will be forging ahead. I feel more confident than ever that I can actually do this and not have to devastate anyone. Least of all myself. That is major.



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