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Nobody knows it but you’ve got a secret smile

Hi All,

It’s been a crazy few weeks recently. My new beau is amazing as always; my hair is going through a transition period from brown to grey (on purpose) and work has been great as I’ve been learning more and more. Not only have I been learning more about the job itself, but more about the manager, who recently I have come to suspect is also gay. Now when you speak to him you wouldn’t have your gaydar flashing, however after a few conversations and a few subtle questions here and there I think I have cracked the code.

Let me tell you a bit about him. He is quite direct when he speaks, almost intimidating (although I don’t get intimidated), however has times where he is jovial and fun too. I think because he has some serious responsibilities he goes into a work persona and has a one track mind because of it. But outside of that he is relatively funny. He is also Muslim, and I think may be going through the same issues I had when accepting my sexuality. Perhaps this is why he doesn’t want to say anything? Now when looking at him you wouldn’t think he is gay, he doesn’t have the ‘mannerisms’ that you would try to look out for, however I am smart enough to see beyond that and see the person themselves.  I’ve clocked him looking at other guys, and when he was being teased about not being married he started blushing and avoids the conversation. Now these aren't just the hallmarks of a gay man struggling, he could be straight and embarrassed to talk about these things, but there have been other occasions when I have suspected. He gets a wry smile in his face from time to time when getting messages in his phone. I get that same smile when I get messages from my man, so I do think he has someone in his life. He is also recently become more obsessed with the gym, which can go either way really, and wearing tighter clothing (again can go either way). He has started to style himself more, which means he is actively trying to look better, hence why I think he has found someone. I know what you may think, this doesn’t mean he is gay, however one big thing I noticed was when I was recalling a story of a patient (names and details omitted as I do have a duty of care and confidentiality to adhere to), who was in a sticky situation whereby his lover has torn his asshole from vigorous sex. When recalling this story mostly received laughs from the others, he was laughing also but was a bit more intrigued than everyone else. This got me thinking that if anything he is curious, and from there my imagination run wild.

He has also been secretive recently. Not that he needs to tell me everything, that’s far from it, but we used to travel on the same train home, and now he gets off after a few stops to wait for another train. Or so he says. I think he is getting off to meet someone and travel with them. This is a possibility, and be it male or female (although I strongly think male), I am happy he has found someone. I am also excited as I don’t get to meet a lot of other gay Muslims (if he is), and if (or when) he feels he is able to tell me I will invite him to the gay world with open arms. It should be said that he doesn’t know that I am gay,  but that is because I still have my suspicions and don’t want him to think ‘less’ of me. Which I know is so strange, but you know you get those feelings where you don’t think it’s a safe enough situation to be open? Well I get that here, and although I don’t think he would attack me physically, he may attack me emotionally and with religion. He is more religious than I am, and that may lead to a lecture I no longer care for, or need. It may also be the reason he can’t be open as he is having that interval struggle many gay Muslims have. However if it came to that it may present a platform for me to express my views more to another, and have a debate on the whole homosexuality is wrong in Islam thing.

Until then I will continue my research, not actively as I have a life and it’s not my business, but will look out for clues when we are at work and try to help him along if needed. I am a giving person after all.



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