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I’ve gotta be me

Hi all,

It’s been a while since my last blog post, but so much has happened that I haven’t had time to get on here and type away. Work is making me feel like I made the wrong choice by taking the job. My manager is being annoying, and is holding me back for fear I will be better than him. Or at least he is giving that impression to me. The only thing getting me through are the people I work with. They are becoming more than work colleagues, and I consider them to be good friends now. As such I decided to be more open and honest with them (not that I wasn’t before), but I hadn’t disclosed my sexuality to them at all.

Now I’m not the type of person who feels that I have to advertise that I’m gay. Over the years I have got to a point where I am more confident in telling people, but at the beginning I would get overcome with fear and anxiety, and would dance around the subject. I would fear that by telling people after knowing them for so long felt like a betrayal of our friendship, and that I was lying to them this whole time. Then I realised that actually it’s informatikn that I can share, and only I can share. Those who I feel will understand I will tell in my own time. In fact it’s almost the feeling of privilege to tell someone and have them really see you for who you are. It’s nice to be able to be open and completely honest. It’s also humbling as by going out of our comfort zone we can really see who we are.

So I tested the waters a couple of months ago and told one of the doctors. She was going through some hard times at work and was disclosing a lot of information, a lot of which was sad and causes her to break down. I was there to lend any help and support I could. As a way to lighten the mood I decided this was the time I would tell her about bae. She took it well and since then we have had snippets of conversations about the subject. We even schemed to try and get a ward manager (who is also gay) a date with one of the contractors in the PT department. That didn’t go as planned, but we will keep trying. It was refreshing to tell her, as we could have more conversations about different subjects, other than my opinion on how she should ecotate her house.

Shortly after I told another of the doctors. He is a great guy, and I knew he would take it well. I casually mentioned it in conversation and it didn’t phase him. Honestly he is probably the only straight man I know who is as good a friend as he is. I never thought that would be possible as I tend to have lots of close friends who are either gay, or straight girls. He did mention it in front of other colleagues, who I would have told eventually, but I couldn’t be mad at him as I didn’t tell him to keep it a secret. That being said, it is a secret from some people, and for good reasons. They are Muslim, and although there are lots of Muslims out there who would understand, I feel that these people whom I know well, will fall into the category of preaching to me about the sin of being gay. Also I don’t feel they deserve to know, as I am not close to them. Our conversations tend to be work related, whereas the doctors and I have more than that.

Last night the doctors invited me to their Christmas meal, and it wasn’t so lovely to just be me. Open and honest. I dreamt of a day where I could be open to my work colleagues. We spend so much time together that it would be hard to keep everything a secret. Also it takes a lot of energy, and in the end who really has time? I can fully understand if workplaces are hostile, but I am lucky enough to have one that will be accepting (for the most part). When I took this role I thought I would have to keep my identity a secret until the next workplace. I had worked in this hospital for a year as a locum, and I just wrote it off as a place where I worked but didn’t make real connections. Now I see that I can have both, and I wouldn’t change it. As my confidence grows I know I will move on and be myself from the start in my next role. I don’t need to hide who I am, because I know I try to be the best person I can be.

I’ve gotta be me.

A
x

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